Understanding why I have been a loner
Trying to heal has given me insight into the causes of my suffering. In childhood my naricsstic father tried to control every attachment.
Actually, he controlled every aspect of my life, trying to fulfill his desire of me playing professional baseball.
Any friend or acquaintance had to meet his standards, then their influence over me would be limited or cut off by good old dad.
Assessment: This week it dawned on me that I did not attach to either parent or anyone else beyond a shallow friendship.
My father would severe any relationship that he thought diluted his control. The natural desire to connect with others was cut off for me many times.
After you tell a couple of guys you can not be their friend anymore, word gets around.
This means my social network lacked connections and attachment was unfamiliar to me. Social emotions lacked experience in my consciousness while athletic willpower and strength dominated my development.
When my first real attachment in college betrayed me, I had no one to confide in.
This week is the first time I became aware of this. I guess it was normal facing life alone for me.
I did not feel loss, I never experienced love, or kindness in my childhood. Criticism and fear dominated my existence.
Trusting someone was a foreign emotion for me.
Being a loner was so natural for me, in fact I never felt safe around people.
I did not know why, now I do.
It will be a massive undertaking rewiring 69 years of life.
With meditation and years of healing, my empathy center is open, I am a giver at my core.
For a loner, I ran a mindfulness group. Somehow that was a safe space while around people.
A triumph in my life, I have helped others heal in spite of my suffering and fears.