PTSD is the biggest thief in the universe
If you follow this blog, my decade long healing journey, triumphs and losses have been shared. I healed twice in that decade, great joy and accomplishment filled my being for a while.
Underneath my supposed healing, I felt PTSD still had power. Then four months ago the final piece of hidden trauma from college exploded. The most humiliating betrayal of my life.
It feels like my whole life has erupted into trauma and suffering again.
My childhood abuse changed the way my (your) brain wired. Our nervous systems became super sensitive to danger.
Our worry circuit was overdeveloped, danger was always close.
Instead of pursuing pleasure, we spend our time on point, protecting our being from attack.
Our mental resources focus to much in survival mode, which shuts down enjoyment and security (normal life).
We never really feel safe, feel like we are worthy or deserving. We are different than other kids.
My father isolated me more, severing my attachments at school.
The ACE study details how abusive childhoods will have more suffering, addiction, mental disorders, cancer, alcoholism, prostitution and suicide.
Birth is the ultimate lottery, some win big, others are severely abused.
Personally, being the target of daily criticism and violence, created a negative self image.
How do you spin a self who feels worthy out of constant criticism from your dominant first caregiver.
My life feels like it has been mostly pain and suffering to the point I have huge resentment Now.
In the middle of PTSD, life is bleak and irrational.