Awareness preempts any change in my humble opinion.
Many habits and patterns go unnoticed right below the surface of consciousness.
Recently, I realized how sensitive or paranoid my behavior has developed.
At all times, in any situation, I am aware of everything around me.
I have always been like this, always knowing where my father was, what mood, what danger existed.
It is second nature to me, my peripheral vision is excellent, I even know what is behind me.
Now I see this as a defense mechanism (PTSD symptoms), where real danger rarely exists.
My behavior has developed from a violent, abusive childhood.
My Survival mode is always activated in some form no matter where I am or what I am doing.
I am not physically afraid, in fact quite the opposite, however emotionally, imminent danger has always been close.
My complete childhood was spent more or less in survival mode.
Spotting imminent danger overwhelmed all other circuits.
Part of it is hereditary, I inherited my mothers nervous system, high strung and anxiety ridden.
When my fight or flight mechanism would fire, it was violent and intense, numbing, almost paralyzing.
Meditation has calmed my nervous system.
Unfortunately now I see my Nervous system does not fire violently, however he is on high alert constantly, spotting danger.
It has been mostly subconscious, nothing overt or any conscious effort.
All this happens automatically without thought or input.
Being able to trust is so important.
How do we trust with only betrayal in our past?
Trust is just something I know nothing about.
How do you start trusting at age 69?